Bil Dwyer e Harmony claims that they match people on 34 levels. Johnny Pemberton You know what really pisses me off? Chelsea White I realized that I spend the majority of my income on manicures, hair products and alcohol.So apparently I’m doing a great job of taking care of the dead parts of me and killing the living parts. Wendy Liebman I had eggs for breakfast and chicken for dinner. Tim Siedell My day has been so awful, I keep looking around to see if Nicolas Cage is in it.

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Joe De Vito I just pulled a rabbit out of my hat, so I can cross that off my ta-da list. Tompkins Every year, when the President pardons a turkey, I think, Ho ho!

What a hilarious ribbing of a legal system that puts humans to death! But I would never pay for rap music, cause I’m broke.

Sarah Colonna There’s a new study that says women are having orgasms at the gym. Steve Rosenthal Just once, I’d like to close a job interview with, “Sounds dangerous.

Count me in.” Peggy O’Brien Not only am I getting better at Tetris, but I’m loading more dishes into my dishwasher than I ever thought possible.

He said, “I’m backing Barack Obama.” It was that, or, “I was attacked by a black llama.” Neal Brennan The NFL is upset that players tried to hurt opposing teams for bonus money instead of just their regular salary. Megan Neuringer Please don’t ask me about my pan pizza; it’s personal. Penn Jillette My co-worker on “The Celebrity Apprentice,” Lou Ferrigno, says he gives 110 percent on every task. That means they’d rather be dead than have our lives.

Bobbie Oliver I bet the woman the song “You are so beautiful to me” was written for really gave him s – – t about the “to me” part. And I think to myself: who brought babies to this bar? Luke Thayer We should all be offended when rich people lose a lot of money and then kill themselves.Guess she doesn’t realize she is dating Chris Brown. In a way, the sentiment is the same: “I love you, but you make horrible decisions.” Craig Shoemaker Kim Kardashian is approaching Jesus-like numbers of followers on Twitter. Jesus rode a donkey and Kim’s a– got her everywhere, too. Because he would be screaming but also have a smile painted on his face.Andrew Ginsburg Growing up, my dad was very critical. Bryan Cox New Ad Slogan: “Travel the Caribbean, come home with a beach bag.” “Travel Mexico, come home in a body bag.” Jubal Flagg If I had a stalker I’d probably get them arrested, then definitely miss the attention. Monique Marvez Why are older women with younger men called “cougars?Jeffrey Ross Charlie Sheen, if you’re “winning” then something’s wrong with the f – – King scoreboard. Al Ducharme I live with this absolutely gorgeous woman. Claudia Cogan “Whitney” is shot before a live audience. Brad Trackman My wife asked, “If I died and you re-married and your second wife also passed away, which one of us would you spend eternity with when you die? Good news for women: That’s one more thing you get to Windex! So the next time you complain about your parents not loving you, just remember that they didn’t go to the Supreme Court so they would be allowed to kill you. How come when you meet the wrong person it takes a year and a half? Whenever I’m around black people I find myself talking “black.” Like I’ll be all, “I have a dream” and stuff. Dana Gould With the success of Ultimate Fighting, they’re now re-naming porn Ultimate Getting Along.Rachel Feinstein I saw a guy with a bumper sticker that said, “I don’t dial 911.” That’s a confusing policy What do you do if your grandma has a stroke? Bruce Cherry My girlfriend was found floating in the East River. Judy Tenuta Hey Romney and Santorum, you may only tell a woman what to do with her eggs when you’re ordering the Grand Slam breakfast at Denny’s! Dan Cummins Some days, I feel like the hardest part of being alive is the fact that most other people aren’t dead. They are: the outer shell, the inner world of lies and my colon. Sean Donnelly You know you’re getting fat when you notice the guy behind the counter at Dunkin’ Donuts got a haircut. Kara Klenk “We must provide closure to a morally complex saga, the fans demand it…” — things not overheard at the “American Reunion” pitch meeting.He always used to make fun of me for watching wrestling. Rob Gleeson Just because my shampoo says “tear-free” doesn’t mean I can’t cry in the shower. Jason Stuart Mitt Romney is a Mormon, which is cool. ” When an older man is with a younger women, there is no name for that — “lucky,” maybe “producer” in LA.