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Realized very , about 8th grade that I was wired differently and didnt have that macho "have to get laid" that some men possess, instead I liked to please, worship, orally satisfy and make a woman happy by giving her gifts and doing nice things for her the meaner she was to me, more degrading, abusive, the more I liked it. Started easy being spanked but soon found women that liked to fuck men with toys and their own gloved hands which is very exciting but ultimately boring in that they do it for a few minutes and stop. So my mind came up with new ideas, what about being made to drink her golden nectar and have a woman piss in my mouth. Again, when a woman does it for money, it is just an act.
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We chit chat and when you feel that need, that pressure that you have to really go and cant hold it you go in the bathroom, sit on the toilet and let out your pee, but hold the # 2.
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Just think what OP could accomplish though if she were to channel these traits into doing something good like volunteerism.
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It was mostly to discus how to "fix" my dirty thoughts. It shouldn't be about fixing anything but about finding balance and ways to channel it to more appropriate things.